Why do I need a priest to talk to god? I always struggled with that. I can talk to god myself and be comforted. Do you WANT me to need a priest? Do YOU need to be needed? But, then that means, I grow up believing I need YOU to be comforted?
I thought the more I hurt, two failed suicide attempts, heroin addiction/ODs, … Can’t you see I NEED you to be comforted? Are my scars making you uncomfortable? Come back! I NEED you to talk to god! I didn’t know someone staying meant I had to pay more for love.
I don’t. I never did.
All those people needed me to love them, I didn’t even know what love was, and I got in trouble for doing it wrong when nobody ever said how they’d like it done right. Being loved isn’t a need and loving isn’t a need. Love is a soft, calm whisper I would’ve never heard while screaming for someone that would’ve never heard me. It’s only something we make inside of ourselves FOR ourselves. The special ones that figure out how to do that actually have love to share. The others hide behind the word ‘love’ terrified to step out from behind it and just say exactly what they’d like.
“Rob’s using! He must be!” .. Two negative drug tests weren’t enough; I would’ve never been enough.
“Rob is having manic episodes and psychosis”… 5 doctors and 2 psyche evals weren’t enough; I would’ve never been enough.
“Rob is tracking devices and he bugged the house!” .. testing it all, with nothing found, won’t be enough; I would’ve never been enough.
Assuming that, with all evidence to the contrary, would be cruel and mean and something only ugly and fear and anger and hatred could assume, discuss, perpetuate… unsubstantiate and still perpetuate. When I meet people with boundaries today they don’t blindly follow out of fear. They embrace their ignorance and question until they understand, using facts, because if they don’t learn the facts they’re wasting their time. I was always called annoying for that. They can’t make me feel loved… anymore than they can make me mad. I am loved. I love me. I never needed you to talk to god and I’m done trying to figure out why you would make me think I did.
If you think they need you to talk to god, maybe you’re the one who needs a priest.
Be well. Be still.
-Rob
