The tears are making this one hard to write, but it has that moment burning inside of it. Those moments that fuel a desire to do something or say something. But what is it I need to say? Sometimes that's hard to figure out, but not this time. Fuck this one hurts, dude.
I love Annie. Original with Albert Finney and Aileen Quinn. I listen to the soundtrack a lot, but only when I listen to it. Shit. ok no more stalling…
“It’ll be fine. Nothing to fear.
She’ll be as happy as she was here.
Things have worked out, much better than planned?
It makes you smile when fate takes a hand?”
Mother fucker what happened to my life? I was happy I was content. I was nesting and making a home with my family. I thought. Fuck! I fucking thought I was. What the fuck was I doing and who was doing it and who was I doing it with?! It all crumbled.
“I know I’ll forget how much she meant to me?”
There's not a possible chance I can forget or fucking want to. 8 years of growing together and loving together and learning together gone in a blink. So fucking fragile and I had no clue. I had no idea it could disappear so fucking fast and easy.
“You’ve wrapped me around, that cute little finger.
You’ve made life a song, you’ve made me the singer”
And I’m so grateful. So fucking grateful for all that I learned and hopefully taught as well. The good and the bad and all the ingredients or it wouldn't have been a cake. And it was cake. It was so fun and easy and possible and… just like that.
So now what? What the actual fuck. I breathe first. I take a deep fucking breathe and find the gound. I find my center and let the way guide me. If someone was sober for 10 years and then drank for a weekend they didn’t lose the 10 years of being sober. The learning and growth and knowledge. They just strap in for round 2 with what they know now. I lost my life, but gained my self in the process. So now I know everything you were so gracious and beautiful enough to share with me. I grow from that and through this. I carry all of that. I carry it with the tears drowning my keyboard and the ache deep in my chest where I think my heart is. It's a cavern so immense darkness can’t get in. It doesn't have want or form. And the void stays still. It just sits there to be felt and known. It’s been a while…
So yea there's a second cat. There's actually a third one too, but I only let Peaches in… usually. That is Cream. Get it? Peaches is out wandering. Reminding me that not all who wander are lost. Cream is an asshole and bites and bumps her head. A lot. For nothing. But man do I fit in with them. I fit in a way I wouldn't have before. I had no idea I'd learn enough to one day fit in with three cats. I also had no idea that I would have to be destroyed as a man to learn it and understand how to accept it with a shattered heart.
