I sit here peacefully and try to hold everything in every second. I’m trying to hold the chill of the air as it floats over my skin wisping in to introduce the smells of the water. The sun as it breaks through the trees in the distance to warm my face; attempting to remember that the reflection off the water is warmer. I sit in these moments as they pass by and try to be fully in them, but the harder I try the less I’m present. I find so many of these breathtaking moments difficult to remember. I want to remember it all so badly, but I don’t think it’s possible. So many beautiful and wonderful things happen everyday that trying to remember it all would make my head explode. I do the best I can to be present in every moment so whatever I can remember I will remember. I started writing and journaling again to have things to look back at, but I never read through that stuff. I’ve taken notes and tried to keep journals my entire life, but once a page is turned I never go back.
I think it’s because by the time I would be looking back there have been so many other things and it just keeps going. I knew a guy once who would say, “Practice doesn't make perfect, practice makes permanent.” He was a doctor and loved Villanova and was a huge prick. But I’ve been told I am too. So I practise the best I can to not label anymore with good or bad and just let life happen. It’s so hard sometimes. And then other times, like this, are easier to remember. They say if you look for red cars you will find red cars and in my life I’ve found that to be true. If i look for negative and bad then there seems to be plenty of it. But there are blue cars too. So I know red cars are out there, but I prefer to keep an eye out for the blue ones. The good, happy, positive moments that also seem to multiply when I focus on them.
Life is not as hard as I was making it and I remember thinking that it being hard was how it should be. Watching grown-ups hurry around and be important made it seem like a lot of stress and effort. But sitting here today gives me the knowledge that I am able to be alive and enjoy it. Period. Everyone of us deserves to live how we feel guided, but that takes a lot of courage. Like Brene Brown says “True courage requires vulnerability.” That comes from thinking about following your light. Your heart. Your spirit or soul or whatever you call it that wants you to be you so bad. You feel it and you know it, but that fear. That fear of being vulnerable stops the conversation in your head. Just know that taking the biggest risk of your life, will be the greatest gift you’ll ever receive.
Whatever you do remember that you have to be afraid and you must feel the fear. Walking through that terror, that struggle, is what helps build and strengthen the real you that is fighting to break free. Wrapped lovingly and securely in that cocoon, but slowly starting to realize what is waiting. Remembering the thought of you that you once had. Starting to see cracks in the walls of a prison you unknowingly built and starting to feel a familiar tingle. Close your eyes and know that inner guidance. It’ll smile and nod as you fly free together.
~ and together you are god ~
