I was becoming something I didn’t know how to define and nobody around me seemed as concerned as I was. Their lack of concern got me along until I found Carl Jung and his work. I had been introduced to him years ago because of 12 step programs… I know it’s a cult. Let’s move on. I knew the history and how much of an influence his work with Rowland Hazard had over all of the fellowships today. I thought it was amazingly interesting, but never got around to reading much until I rediscovered him during my process. And that’s exactly when it needed to happen.
For almost two weeks, everyday, I was having a new “vision” or “experience” that I had to talk about with anyone and everyone. I had a growing suspicion that I was slipping from reality and into some sort of psychosis, but my team of doctors that handled my meds weren’t concerned. I also checked in weekly with my personal therapist who also saw a rise in my personality, but no concern of psychosis. My partner and I were also seeing a couples counselor. We started seeing Wendy in June and by now things were chaotic, but Wendy agreed with all the other professionals so I took a deep breath. Then another deep breath and another and just continued meditating and doing what I had been doing. But, by the third week of November the picture became much more clear.
Try to stay with me here I promise it ties in… I have had these stomach issues my entire life. As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized what I always meant by ‘my stomach hurts’ had three different causes. I had two figured out (IBS & Colitis), but the Monday before Thanksgiving was the biggest breakthrough I’ve had yet. When I woke up Monday everything seemed fine until it started. That third pain that has sent me to the hospital, put me on drips, kept me for days, began in the pit of my stomach. But this was the first time since my new lifestyle that it’s happened and somehow I knew how to handle it. What I learned that day was that my worst anxiety attacks happen in the very pit of my gut. It knots and twists so bad I’ve thrown up for days. But deep breathing through that pain and finding that place while meditating allowed the muscle to release. It just let go and the pain that terrified me for decades was gone.
When I woke up the next day I was brand new. I was doing Thanksgiving and had two days left! Inside was calm and ready. It was stable and secure in a way that wasn’t familiar and caused unease. But somehow I knew that unease was going to pass quickly and this new way I felt inside was worth it. I knew the ending was brilliant and luminous and I had no clue why I thought that, but I knew it was true. Explaining that day will be its own thing, but that day played out in a way that didn’t allow for Thanksgiving, anything or anyone in my life anymore. That day was peculiar and surreal, but it opened the door for me to continue my journey and I ran through it.
The new way I was didn’t fit with the life I had tried to shove myself into and it was instantly obvious. Things I was accused of were disproved and that seemed to snap something inside of my now ex-partner. She demanded I take a drug test and have a psyche eval which I jumped at the chance to do. That was my best day in a while but it translated as drug abuse and mental crisis to her. The test was negative and the doctor said I was fine, but that wasn’t enough. She had a nagging insistence there had to be some cause for my personality change and spiritual awakening and nothing would shake her from that. It became heartbreakingly and earth shatteringly clear to me that it was time to go. That life stopped fitting very fast, but that door it opened had another life ready to help ease the transition.
Ever since I left she declined with court orders that were dismissed and allegations that were again disproven and I just let it play out. Knowing how irrational it all was I knew it didn’t have much to actually do with me so I just had to wait. Wait for that ace in my back pocket that was starting to burn a hole. When the gavel fell in my favor I was gone. I already had the car packed and hit the road. I kept my location secret, except for my son, for safety reasons. Other than that I still talk to my mom pretty often. Same with my son and my dad. I could be next door or in Japan and it’s the same. At least I think it is if my logic is sound.
I feel like going backwards might be the best way to tell this, but so many pieces jump to when they make sense in the process. I appreciate the feedback and support and look forward to having you all here to help me keep my process evolving. This isn’t easy to figure out and I know we aren’t alone. The more I find and the more we talk the more I grow and the more I find. Or the more they find me and I find myself.
