No matter how much I try I can’t escape my shadow. I’ve grown and learned so much and have been inspired and directed by the path Dr. Jung set, but I continue to forget the impact my shadow will always have. I’ve moved. Left everything behind in search of whatever I’m being led to and realized I haven’t even noticed where I’m living. I have been inside of myself and focused so deeply on what it is I feel drawn towards that I didn’t see my ego inflation and over compensation of the shadow. I thought I was slowing down and relaxing and understanding my new perceptions, but I was still just locked in my head thinking about me.
I can be inside of there, in that shadow part, focused and driven and can let it guide me, but when I want to pull out it reacts. It doesn’t like me wanting to leave and would rather I stay. Eyes closed and meditating is where it gains the strength to even surface this much. The colors have more contrast after a long meditation and that almost gives it a new sight. Calling this newness ‘It’ isn’t personal enough, but I don’t want it coming across like I’ve snapped and am referring to myself with different names.
The shadow is that little boy, Robbie. So lets somehow go with the childlike reference, but he is not a child. He has grown and he is angry, but it’s not rage. It’s hot and pulsing with fever. He is big and strong and dark with a purpose that is felt, but not clear yet. It’s never known what anything is until it’s observed and becomes whatever it was going to be, but he does feel acceptive and receptive to new paths
This piece, this new revelation that didn’t have defined edges or a profile until now. This growth is big and substantial with its direct impact on the child piece of my consciousness. It has more breath when influencing the sway of current, but not relative direction of actions. The link to the ego is intensely noticeable with direct impact to its actions though. As of now the filtering aspect is a new sensation with a new emotional depth that, although unfamiliar, feels similar as if incorporated through life experiences and muscle memory.
The left hemisphere of the brain has increasingly more activity than the right. It’s a very similar sensation to an experience last year, but opposite hemispheres. This one is more dense and fills the left side muscles with tension and a slight ache. Everything on the right is normal, but with anticipation. Things seem settled and I want to explore the world with these new eyes. The contrast hasn’t changed back and could be a new addition to the brightness increase that happened last year.
I wanted to meditate for 10 minutes and came out two hours later. I didn’t know how long I had been going, but the weight of the experience felt more real when I saw the time. It was a little after 7pm and it took a while to acclimate. Things still aren’t precise, but lining up a lot better every minute. I haven’t had anything that intense in a long time. In the past, when an experience like that was processed through me, it had ripples that went for days. I have learned to limit my expectations of things and have no desire to put an one on this either.
